


Tears in Blessings

by AlexanderTemple



Category: Original Work
Genre: 19th Century, Aristocracy, Class Differences, Coming of Age, Friendship, Teenagers, rebel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:48:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22383619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexanderTemple/pseuds/AlexanderTemple
Summary: This is the story Lourdes, who was a girl on the verge of entering the adult world in the 19th century. She is a privileged child from a very rich family. Her parent's ambition is that she will get married to the right person and be a good wife. The life of a lady in the upper class seemed very dull to Lourdes. She wanted more from her life.





	1. Lourdes

_I was riding the most beautiful horse through a field of roses and tulips. I sat on the horse like any normal person and not the way some say a lady should sit on a horse. I could feel the wind flowing through my hair and the sun shining. I was free! I was in heaven. I was -_

" Lourdes, concentrate on your dance lesson!"

For the next hour, I went through the motions of the dance lesson. I used to love dance. It used to make me feel so free and so alive. However, the dance teacher took the fun out of it. Everything had to be a routine. The dance teacher would scold me if I made the wrong step. Then I would have to do it again and again. When I told her that it was no longer fun, she would just say to me that it is not meant to be fun. It is supposed to make me more graceful and more eloquent. It was part of being a lady!

My name was Lourdes and I was an only daughter. I was 13 years old when this story started. I think you can say that I was a privileged child that was born into a very rich family. I read in the newspaper that I was supposed to be the richest girl in the whole country. This meant that I had the best of things. I had the most beautiful dresses that came from Paris. I had the best dolls. I had music lessons and dance lessons and could speak several languages. I was told that every child would be jealous of the privileges I had.

The year was 1872. We lived in a rural part of England. There was a village close by that had several factories. I never spoke with these people, as I was kept in the house all the time. It was expected that I only associated with people from our social class.

After I dance that day, I had to get dressed for dinner. This was a big affair and something we endured every day. We would be dressed in our best clothes and we would have the best food. Of course, this was served by servants. We would get a lot of food, but we would often just take small bites and try not to look as if we were gluttons. I would not say that much. I did not understand the adults that talked about politics or money. These meals could be long and they were more of a chore than anything else.

After dinner, I would go into a small room with momma and we would sit and sew. If there were other women there, they would gossip about others. At times, it seemed like it was a competition on who could have the best gossip. I did not see much to my parents, as a governess took care of me most of the time. Still, I knew momma was very proud of me. I was polite and I had the perfect smile. Momma would boast on my talents, especially my musical talents.

My governess would then get me ready for bed. This was also a routine as everything else was. I was not allowed to get undressed. The governess did everything for me. I often wondered what it would be like to get dressed and undressed by myself. Why did I even need help? I always wondered who helped the maids get changed.

The governess asked me if I was sad. I smiled at her and told her that everything was fine. However, there was something that was bothering me. I just could not point my finger at what it was, I knew I had a privileged life and I should consider myself to be very lucky. There was something missing. It was something I could not explain and did not even know if it existed, as I never tried it.

The next day, I woke up to a lot of noise. Usually, I wake up and some maid quietly helped me get washed and dressed. Today was different. This girl about my age was going around my bedroom and talking while she made sure the fireplace was lit and then after bringing warm water so I could wash.

She told me that her name was Emily. She was the same size as me with rosy cheeks and her hair was in pigtails. She was a bit plump and wore the same uniform as the maids.

" This is my first day here," she told me, " I hope that you slept well. Today will be a lovely day as the sun is shining and the birds are singing. I was up at the crack of dawn and spent some time in your lovely garden. There are so many beautiful flowers. I would imagine you could spend all day just spending time in God's nature."

I slowly got up and stood there waiting for her to wash me. Emily just looked at me with a confused face. She was obviously not told what her job was. Emily could not stay quiet too long as she asked me if I was disabled and could not get dressed. I snapped at her and assured her that I was in the best of health.

It was the first time in my life that I washed and got dressed without help. You may think I am totally crazy, but it was the most exciting thing I tried in a while. By the time I finished dressing, Emily and I were chatting as if we were friends for life. I wanted to know everything about her.

Emily was born in Ireland, and her family moved here to get a job. She had a few brothers and parents. Her Dad and brothers worked in a factory, while her mother repaired clothes. Until now, Emily went to a public school where she could learn how to read and write. She told me the teacher was nice and very patient. She felt blessed that she had the opportunity to learn. I ate my breakfast as Emily told me what it was like at school. She told me about the friends she had and the many games they played.

Now Emily was 13, and this meant that she had to find some work so she could help her family. She told me she was hired as a maid for me and was told that she could be a companion. This made Emily laugh, as she thought it was strange that my parents would pay her to be my friend.

It was time for my classes. I did not go to the local school. A tutor came and taught me in a small room in the attic. I could not concentrate that much, as I was thinking about Emily. She experienced so much and she seemed so happy despite that her family was so poor. I thought it was strange that she spoke so much. She talked about things that were not important. In a way, this was totally new for me, as I was told a child should be seen and not heard!

She also spoke a lot about her parents and she knew them so well. This made me think that I really did not know my parents. They only have seen me when the governess bought me down to eat or when I was allowed to sit with momma at night. Otherwise, the governess took care of me, and in many ways things that a mother does. I knew my governess very well, and she was the mother figure in my life.

Another thing that I thought about was the fact that my parents paid for Emily to be my companion. This made me think that I had no contact with children my age. I had no friends. This made me think that Emily lived a completely different life than me. She had friends and she enjoyed life. It was like I was imprisoned in this big house, and my childhood was just a preparation for what would be expected of me in the future.

After the lessons and eating some lunch, the governess suggested that I take a walk in the garden to get some fresh air. She told Emily that she should accompany me. I do not think that the governess wanted to listen to Emily's constant chattering. She even scolded Emily a few times, asking does her mouth ever stop chattering?

We walked around the garden, and Emily was like a small child that was seeing flowers for the first time in her life. I smiled as she nearly stopped at every new flower. She had to smell it and admire its colors. I started speaking more freely with Emily and even laughing and joking. You may think that this is a strange thing for me to write about. Remember that I really never had anyone to speak with and never laughed.

Emily told me we should lie on the grass. At first, I opposed the idea, saying my dress would get dirty. Emily smiled and said that clothes can be washed. It was like I could not say no to her. We were on the grass looking at the clouds in the sky. Emily told me that if I looked closely, the clouds looked like something. It was God's way of telling us a story. So we spent a long time looking at the clouds and guessing what they looked like. In the end, we were telling each other a story. This experience was so fun!

Then Emily got serious and asked me what I wanted to do when I got older. I was to be a lady in the upper class. When she asked me what I would be doing, I could not really answer. I would be married, and have dinner parties and sew at night time. I would do the same as Momma.

Emily, on the other hand, told me that she would love to be a scientist and find some medicine that would make people's lives easier and cure many diseases. This revelation made me silent and admire Emily for her ambition. She was a maid now, but she could end up being an important person for humanity.

On the way back to the house, we seem a new stable boy. I stood there in shock and just looked at him for a distance. He looked to be our age, but he was not native. He was dark-skinned and to be honest, this was the first time that I ever have seen a black person in my life. Emily thought that we should go and speak to him. This made me stammer and stutter, where I finally told Emily that it would be improper. I also had to rush back and have piano lessons.

Emily told me that there were a lot of black people in the area, as they came from the colonies. She admitted that her own family was poor, but she knew the black people lived in misery in slum areas. They never got proper wages and many people thought they were inferior. This shocked me, as I wondered how could a person think they were better than another person, because of their color or even social status.

I could not concentrate on piano lessons. So much happened that afternoon. It may seem very little for some, but I do not remember when I spoke with a person so much. I cannot remember when I smiled and laughed so much. I realized that Emily was just not a maid. I considered her a friend. I am sure that my parents would disagree and insist that I not be friends with a girl who was just a maid. That did not bother me.

The piano tutor was mad at me and complained that I was not concentrating. This was true. How could I concentrate when there was so much to think about?

That night, I could hardly sleep. I was thinking that if I was not forced to be a lady and have my small role in the upper class, what would I do with my life? It did not take me long to realize that I wanted to help people. I wanted to give people a better life. I wanted to give the children an education so they could also lead a productive life. With education, children would not be forced to work in factories or jobs they did not like doing. With education, they could be the person they wanted to be.

I wanted to be a teacher.

The problem was, what would my parents say to my new ambitions?

**To be Continued**


	2. Dreaming

I woke up the next day a bit before Emily or the Governess could. I was in a very happy mood and I wanted to share this happiness with everyone. I did something I did not do since I was a small girl. I ran to my parent's room. They looked a bit shocked when they saw me and asked was there a problem. I told them that I was just excited and knew what my purpose in life was. I wanted to be a teacher.

“Lourdes,” my mom sighed, “ There are a time and place to tell us such things. This is not one of them. You must learn how to control your emotions.”

Dad was not impressed either. He warned me that dreams are dangerous, as they will just remain as dreams. He told me that I had a special place in society and my destiny was already decided. I would be married to some fine man and be a loyal and good wife for him. This was the only job I had to do. I was to be a lady in the upper class.

I started to protest, but Dad did not want to discuss it. I stomped off in a temper to my bedroom. I jumped on my bed and started crying. Why should my destiny be decided by tradition or others? If I wanted to be a teacher, should I not try and make this dream come true? If I was married and my job would just be to host parties, have children that a governess will take care of and sew at nights... this life would be unbearable. I respected my mom was happy for this life as an upper-class lady. It was just not what I wanted.

The governess came in and seen me crying on the bed. She did not give me a hug or try to console me. She simply said that I had to grow up. She told me that there was no place for childhood fantasies. I was blessed with such a comfortable life, These blessings also meant that I had responsibilities. I had to trust my parents that they would find a good husband for me and I would continue being blessed.

The Governess told me she had a lot to do. She started going through all my wardrobes and finding dresses and clothes that were too small for me. I sat on the bed watching the pile become bigger and bigger. I did not worry, as I knew that I would get new clothes. Emily was in shock as she saw the pile growing. She admitted that she only had two dresses. One of them was for Sundays.

This got me thinking that the normal girl only had one dress to wear every day. I asked the governess what would happen to my old clothes. She shrugged her shoulders and said they would be disposed of. This made me think for a bit. I told the governess that the old clothes should be given to the poor. The governess smiled and said this was not possible. It was not done. That did not seem like a good answer for me. Years later, I later found out that the old governess sold the dresses and clothes so she made some money from them.

The governess was mad at Emily. She told the girl that she talked too much and did not know her place in the house. So poor Emily was given so many jobs to do that day. She could not be with me until they were done. I tried being nice and telling the governess that I would help Emily. I did not expect the governess to snap back at me. Such a suggestion was unheard of and not suitable for a girl in my position.

It was now the weekend, so I had no lessons. I told the governess I would ride my horse. I wanted to be by myself and away from the house and all its restrictions and plans for me. When I came to the stable, I started getting my horse ready for the ride. The new stable boy came and told me that he would help me.

I suddenly felt so shy with him around me. It was strange that I was next to a boy. I do not think I ever tried that! On top of that, this boy was black. I noticed how his skin looked in the sunlight. There was something beautiful about it. I was so shy, that I could hardly ever speak.

He told me that his name was Billy. His family came from Africa and they moved to England. Billy missed his life in Africa, as his family was very poor here and lived in the slum area with other black people. He told me that the living conditions were dire. People lived in dirt and everything was damp or worn down. Billy went on to explain that he did not know how people could live there. The British treated their animals better. After a while of talking, he remembered who I was, and apologized for speaking that way to me.

I smiled at him and gave my gratitude for helping with the horse.

As I rode through the fields, I thought of what Billy told me. I always heard that the United Kingdom was the most civilized country in the world. Yet we had people like my family that lived in luxury and we had people like Billy that lived worse than the animals lived. People would respect me because my family was so well off. At the same time, they would look down at Billy. He had a different color and he was not born here. This did not seem fair. Wouldnt a civilized country make sure everyone lived well?

Emily was waiting for me when I came back from the horse ride. She took my hand and said that we should pay homage to God's nature. So we went to the middle of the garden and picked daisies. We spent some time making the daisies to a crown that we could wear. When we were done, it was the most beautiful crown that I ever had. When I put mine on my hair, Emily laughed and said that I looked like a fairy.

We got up and danced around in circles as if we were real fairies. Once again, I was smiling and laughing. I felt like we were in a special world of magic and fairies. We were free from the real world. We were laughing so much and Emily started shouting magical chants. We danced and danced, while Emily started to chant some magical words. I tried to repeat what she was saying. Freedom and magic was something we could dance about!

I don't know if you ever tried to spin around in the middle of a field. You can feel the sun on your face, and the wind dancing with you. You can see the many colors of nature, It feels like you are elevated and flying while you celebrate the magic of freedom and happiness.

The governess came out and told us to stop. She looked at me and said that I should be ashamed at such an unchristian display. She told me to go to my room until my mother had time for me.

I was stuck in my bedroom all weekend, waiting for my mother to talk with me. I did not understand what I have done wrong. I was dancing outside. Was dancing wrong? I took dancing lessons!

I could hear that the governess was angry with Emily, Emily was told that she was leading me astray. I had to be a lady, and not be seen as some girl that acted as if she was crazy and drunk on the front lawn. Emily was warned that she would be fired if she was a bad influence on me. I wish that I did not hear this, as I started to worry if I would lose a friend. It was true, that I did not just see Emily as a maid. I saw her as a friend! It would break my heart if she left.

It was first the next day that Mother had time to see me. I stood attention before her as if I committed the worse crime. The only thing she said was that she was disappointed with me and she did not want to see such an immature and uncivilized display again. I wanted to protest but could see that mom did not want to discuss it anymore. She told me to spend the rest of the weekend in my room.

I was bitter. I did not think I had anything to do. It made me think about what society expected from a lady in the upper class. Did they expect us to be stiff and emotionless? Were we just like decorations or statues? What did Emily or I do wrong?

Monday came after being copped up in my room all weekend. I told the governess that I would take a walk before the tutor came. I walked and walked. The problems of the weekend frustrated me. First, my parents did not want to listen to my dreams and then I was punished for something I did not understand why it was wrong. It was like if life was meant to be constantly dull, and I was not allowed to smile.

I must have walked for a long time, as I ended up close to the school. I sat on a stone and looked at it. The local children were out in the playground playing different games. They wore some old tattered clothes, and it was easier to see they were a mix of workers and poor children. Still, they were smiling and laughing as they ran and jumped around. I had to smile as I saw them play. They may not have been rich like me, but each of these children was happily playing with friends.

The teacher called them in, and I snuck up to the school and sat outside a window, I could hear the teacher teach them about history. She told it as it was a story and I listened to every word. Once in a while, a child would ask a question and the teacher would answer. It must be amazing to learn with others. This made me also think that I wanted to use my life teaching children. I was blessed with my life and a part of me wanted to help those who were not as blessed.

The governess found me and told me to get in the carriage. On the way home, she told me that she was so worried about me. She also wanted to know what has got into me lately?

“ I fear it could be Emily's influence,” she said, “ That girl cannot stop talking and she has a simple view of life, She just wants to smile and disappear in her imaginary world. You come from a different class, and more is expected of you. You have a responsibility to your parents. You have to be ready for what society expects of you!”

Needless to say, mother was not all too happy at my disappearance. She called it foolish and told me that I disappointed my family as well as leaving them down.

I escaped the tutor that day, but I was once again confined to my room. I did feel bad that everyone was worried when I was not to be found. I had to find a way of telling my parents that the trip I had was very educational for me. My dream was to be a teacher and help those who were not blessed in life have a chance to better themselves. The trip to the school confirmed this.

I smiled as I thought of what my destiny should be.

To be Continued


	3. Bad Influence

The day did not go so very well. I was in trouble because I went off by myself and missed the tutor and classes. I saw the children play at the public school and this confirmed my ambition on being a teacher. My mother could not understand this, as she thought I was acting more unladylike and wanted me to control myself.

Everyone was telling me that I should be so lucky and content in who I was. I was the richest girl in the country and never had to worry about where the next meal would come from, clothes, toys or a roof over my head. I had the best of what life could offer. Then why did I think something was missing?

The problem was that I felt so alone. I was not allowed to be with other children. I had very little contact with my parents. I was cooped up in my room with the governess as if my childhood was used to mold me to a lady in the upper class. I remembered when I have seen the children at the school playing and laughing and having a good time. Despite their poverty, they had something that I did not have.

Emily could see that I was sad. She wanted me to confide in her. So I told Emily how I felt and said at times I wished I had a sister. Emily told me to clasp her little finger with my little finger. She said we would give each other an oath that we were soul sisters and sisters of the heart. We would be the best of friends and help and protect each other from this day and for all eternity.

Believe it or not, this made me feel so much better. It was like Emily told me that she wanted to be my friend, and not just a maid or paid companion. I was suddenly not alone. I had a secret sister that I chose by myself. This put me in such a high spirit. It was like I was walking on pink clouds!

My parents had some guests over that night, and I was asked to play the piano for them. I was in a great mood, so I played a happy tune. The visitors thought I was very talented and my parents were proud of my performance. In a way, I liked these performances. I knew that I was on display, but one could get lost in the music and enter a new magical world. If you closed your eyes, you could see a fantasy world with fairies, unicorns, and angels.

After I performed and was praised, the visitors started talking about their things. I told my mother that I would go out and get some fresh air. I nearly got a shock of my life when I saw Billy sitting outside. He told me the music that I played was the best that he ever hear, He called it magical! I sat down next to him and we started talking.

To be quite honest, I did not say too much. I listened to him telling me what it was like to work in the stables. Billy was so proud of this job and wanted to do his best and make sure the horses had the best care, It was amazing to hear how someone could be so dedicated in their job and how small things made them so proud and happy.

I felt bad when I told Billy about my life. Compared to his, my life was routine and an elegant show. It seemed almost boring. Billy did not think this. He thought that only certain girls could live my life, and not end up being shallow and stuck up. He was certain that I would be important in society, as I would have the best of everything, but unlike some that were aristocrats, I had a heart and cared about others.

I had to go in as I heard my mother call me. She told me that it was time for bed. I wanted to give her a hug, but this was never done. Instead, She told me that she was proud of my performance, and was sure that the visitors did not hear the few mistakes that I made.

Emily helped me get ready for bed. She was also astonished by my musical skills. I told her that I had played the piano for years and maybe someday I would teach her. Emily smiled but doubted that would happen. She told me her place in this world was a maid. She would leave the lady activities to me. I felt sad as she said this. It was like Emily had no ambition to be more than a maid. Maybe this was best for her as it seemed like life had already determined our destinies.

I could not sleep. I told Emily about my visit to the school. I remembered how they looked so happy and everyone had friends. I told her that it must be fun learning with others. Emily told me that I could just ask my parents to go to the local school.

Just as Emily told me that, Mom yelled at her to leave my room. She shouted at Emily that she was a bad influence on me. Mom would speak with Emily later.

Then Mom looked down at me in bed and said, “Do you not know who you are? You are the daughter of the most influential man in the country. You have a higher position and status than any other child in the country and have a good future ahead of you. You cannot go to the local school or have friends from the lower class. They are not good enough! Emily is here to help and serve you. She should not be a friend. She is a maid. Do not let her simple ways influence you.”

Mom left.

I listened to what mom had to say. Deep down I knew what she said was right. My life was blessed and I had everything a girl should have. It would be easier for me and everyone else if I accepted my role in society.

The next day after the tutor's classes, I was sitting in the garden getting my daily fresh air. Emily found me and asked me why I was so quiet. I tried to smile back and treat her like a maid. Emily started swinging her legs as she stood there. She started telling me the story of Cinderella. She was so good at telling a story. It was like we were transported into the land of fairytales. I heard this story before, but Emily told the story as if it was a new story. I did not realize that so much time went by.

Just before dinner, I was surprised by a visitor. It was granny. She was the favorite person in my life. She must have been a hundred years old. She was small and walked with a cane. Her face was wrinkled and in a way it looked like the Grand Canyon. However, granny always smiled and never got mad.

Granny gave me a hug when she saw me and told me how tall I have grown, She praised how nice my hair looked and told me that I was now a young woman. I smiled at all the praise and hoped she would be staying with us for a long time.

At dinner time, Granny was busy telling us about her life. Since she became a widow, she decided to travel a lot. She talked about all the places she visited and all the people she met. I listened to every word and was impressed by granny's life. She even met the Queen and was invited to the Queen's residence in Balmore in Scotland. Mom and Dad seemed worried about grannies travels and asked everything from if she too old to travel or did she think that it was a proper thing to do.

Granny asked me what I would do when I was old enough to decide.

“ Lourdes will make a great wife,” My father answered, “ She will make her husband very happy and she will be known as one of the greatest ladies in the country.”

Granny sighed and mumbled that it sounded like a proper plan. I could see that she was no longer smiling. Maybe it was this that made me tell everyone that my greatest dream was to be a teacher and help children have options for their future and make the world a better place to live in.

Granny was smiling again. However, my mother was not impressed. She told Granny that I may be in my way to womanhood, but I still was a little girl that had impossible dreams and lived in an imaginary world. My mother looked at me and said that I would never be a simple teacher.

I was frustrated and left the table. I walked outside and hid by a huge statue of an angel in the garden. I knew mom was not being mean or evil. She was just doing what was expected of her. It was me that had the problem. I should just accept my fate and do what everyone expected me to be. I would hurt myself and cause so much drama if I was to rebel against an established system.

Billy found me and told me that he liked the way the moonshine made me look so divine. He sat on the bench next to me and we started talking again. I told him about Granny and all her travels. Billy was engrossed in what I had to tell him. He told me that he could never dream of traveling. He would never have the money and would never leave this area. I admitted that I knew very little about money or the cost of things. I knew very little about what it was like being poor.

Nothing more was said. We just sat there and looked at the moon and thought how perfect nature was. Billy told me the stars were the ancestors that looked down at us and protected us from evil things. This made me smile as it was a nice thought that someone was looking down at us and protecting us.

I told Billy that I had to go in, I was most likely in trouble for leaving the table as I did. Billy whispered that he was in love with me, and kissed me on the cheek. I looked at him and did not know what to say. I would imagine that I blushed and looked like a strawberry. I just got up and ran into the house.

I could not concentrate when the governess was getting me ready for bed. She was telling me that my parents were disappointed at my display at dinner time. The governess was telling me that I had to mature and control my emotions and not dream about impossible things.

I was thinking about something else. Billy kissed me! He told me that he was in love with me. I had also feelings for Billy, but I did not know if I was in love. If they were feelings of love, then our love would be doomed. My parents would never accept it. Billy was poor and He had no future seen with their eyes. He would be a laborer all his life. On top of this, Billy was not English, He was black and came from Africa. This was a time where status and skin color meant a lot. Being in love with Billy could not end with anything good. The problem was, can love be neglected because of what others thought? Could love be suppressed? Would that lead to anything good?

The next day, Mom came and interrupted the tutor. She had important news to tell me.

“ As I said, it is time for you to grow up and take your place in society.” She explained, “ You can forget what childish dreams you have had, as your father and I have decided to send you to a finishing school. You will learn etiquette, social graces, and cultural rites. This will teach you how to be a lady and have some class. It will help you become a better wife. This is so exciting. I just had to come up and share the news with you!”

Finishing school? Who said I wanted to go there?

_**To be Continued** _


	4. Great Expectations

Mom told me that I would be starting at a finishing school. I had this image in my head that I would be drinking tea with a pinky finger showing and walking around with books balanced on my head. This seemed like the opposite of what I wanted to do. I wanted to learn about everything. I knew I would not learn very much at a finishing school. I would only learn how a lady acts.

I wanted to be a teacher. My ambition was not going to a finishing school to learn how I should act. Why could I not follow my dream and do what made me happy? I knew that my mother and father would never understand my ambitions or dreams. I was expected to do what countless girls in my position have done before. I was blessed with so many things. Society expected me to use my family and upbringing in doing what aristocrats did. My parents were not being mean or evil. They were just doing what was expected.

I was so confused. How could I forget my dreams and do what was expected?

The next day, Granny invited me for some afternoon tea. She started by saying that I must be so excited that I was going to a finishing school. I didn't smile back but said I wanted to be a teacher.

“ Let me tell you a story,” Granny said, “ When I was a young girl, I was considered a wild girl and sometimes a brat. To be honest, I was not either of these. I was like you. My parents were rich and I was treated like a princess. The problem was that I fell in love with the gardener's son. You think that this love would not cause a scandal. It did! I was sent away to a finishing school and told to forget all about him.”

“ Did you love him?”

“Indeed, I still do!. If society was not full of rules and norms, I would have married him and we would have been happy. I still love him.”

Granny told me that I was born with a mind of my own. Life is not about social norms and rules. It is too short for that. I had to do what would make me happy!

I told granny that I had to think, so I went out to my horse. Billy was there and he asked me if I wanted to take a walk.

I told Billy about finishing school, but he did not say much. He admitted that he did not know the ways of the rich. His life was hard, but it was simple. We walked through the fields and talked about life in general, and what it was like to be nearly an adult. He took my hand and we ended up walking hand in hand. Billy told me once again how much he loved me. I told him that it was love that was forbidden. I told him that society would never recognize our love. It was doomed to fail.

Billy went quiet, and said why should society decide who he loves?

When I came back, I found Emily in tears. I sat down next to her and asked her what the problem was. She told me that she spoke with my mom and was told that she was a bad influence on me. She was told to remember her place. Emily cried on my shoulder and said she only wanted to be my friend. When she spoke with my mother, she felt like she was nothing, as if she was not even human. She felt so inferior. I told Emily that we were best friends and she was my secret sister for life. I did not care if she was a maid or the richest girl in the world. She was my secret sister. We sat and hugged each other for some time. I had problems of my own, but I did not want to burden Emily when she was so sad.

Mom found us and sighed as she saw me comforting Emily. She told me to come downstairs. It was time for Granny to leave. My parents did not seem to be emotional about it. I felt like I would cry and beg her to stay. Granny was the only one that really knew me and she was the only one that had no expectations. She was my ally and I knew it would feel so empty when she left.

I went up to the nursery again. The governess was busy doing nothing. She was like a bee that did not know what to do. She told me that she was busy. She had to get my things ready to go to finishing school. She had a lot of packing to do. Then the governess sat on a rocking chair and started crying.

“ I remember when I first came here,” she said, “ you were the sweetest princess in the world. I thought you would be a spoiled brat. You were not. You were shy when we first met, and then I remember when you smiled. We have had lots of good times and bad times. I just want you to know that I am ever so proud of you. Now you will be going to a finishing school. You will learn so many things and come back as a lady. I know you will make your parents proud and you will make me proud.”

The governess told me that she was also leaving. There was no longer a need for her when I would be at finishing school. I could not believe that I would be losing the mother figure in my life. I gave the governess a hug and told her I did not want her to go. I told her that I did not want to go to finishing school. I did not want to grow up. I wanted everything to be the same.

I had to control my emotions. It was time for my piano lessons. The piano lessons did not go so well either. Once again the teacher was mad at me. How could I concentrate? I had so many things going around in my head. No one cared that I wanted to be a teacher. It was improper to be friends with a maid. On top of all of this, I could have been in love with a stable boy that had a different ethnic race than I was. How could I play the piano when my life was so confusing.

I went out to find Billy. I was going to tell him that nothing could ever happen between him and me. There were so many things that were against us. Maybe under different circumstances and in a different world, we could be together, but not now.

As I was telling Billy, he interrupted me and told me that he loved me. He wanted to get married as soon as I was old enough. I ran back to the nursery.

My heart was galloping and I did not know what to think. Someone just asked me to marry them. The question was if I did love Billy. I was not so sure. I am not sure that I wanted to be married at such a young age. Being married meant that I would have to be a loving and dedicated wife. I would have children. This means all the dreams would be forgotten. The only thing that could console me was that it would be years until I was old enough to get married.

I didn't sleep well that night.

The next day, I found a letter on my desk. It was from Emily. She wrote that my mother had fired her because she was a bad influence on me. Emily told me she was sad, as she really liked it here. She wrote to me she would be working at her uncle's farm. It was good that Emily wrote the address, as she hoped that I would write to her. I must have looked at the letter for a long time.

The only thing I could think of was that I did not have a chance to say goodbye to Emily. It saddened me that she was told to go. The governess was leaving and now Emily was gone. I was feeling more and more alone. I was mad that I had no say in the matter. I was mad at mom that she hired Emily as a companion and maid, and when Emily did become my friend, she was fired.

I rushed down to my mother that was sipping some tea. I shouted at her that it was wrong of her to fire Emily. She has done her job and was a good friend. It was like I was emptying my heart as I let everything out. I shouted that Billy was in love with me and would she try and ruin our love if I was in love with Billy? Finally, I told her that I did not want to go to any finishing school. I wanted to do something with my life. I wanted to do something good with my life. I wanted to help others. I wanted to make a difference.

My mother was not that impressed. She summoned my father and made me repeat everything that I told her. After I have done this, my mother was sitting on the sofa in tears. My father was very mad. According to him, I was an ungrateful daughter that did not know my place in the world.

“ We have been patient with your childish and emotional dreams,” he shouted.” You are my daughter and you do what I say! You only have one job and that is to be a lady in the upper class. You will learn how to be a lady! You will learn to find a husband from a good and respected family. You will be a good and dedicated wife and give him children. This is why you were born. Get used to it!”

Dad dragged me up to the nursey and told me that I was grounded there until it was time to go to finishing school. That would be in a week.

I felt like I was now a prisoner, and I did not have a choice on how my life should be but I felt relieved that I had my say. It was hard seeing my father get so upset and my mother crying. It was also hard that they did not respect my feelings and did not care how I felt. They could force me to go to finishing school, but they could not force me to like it.

The next day, there was tapping against the window. Luckily, the governess was not in the room. I investigated the tapping and found out it was Billy that was throwing pebbles. He told me that he was suddenly fired and this confused him, as he was sure that he was good at his job. Billy wanted to say goodbye and shouted that he would always love me.

This was the final straw. I had enough of all the changes in my life. I had enough of what was expected of me. I was tired that no one wanted to hear about my dreams and happiness and what I wanted to. I no longer wanted to be dictated to.

I packed a bag and snuck out of the house. Within an hour I was far away from my home.

It was an extreme decision to run away, however, I was free

**_To be continued._ **


	5. Freedom in Rags

I was walking along small dirt roads and had no clue where I was going. All I knew was that I was running away from a life that was so stiff and emotionless. I was running away from parents that did not care who I was and wanted to mold me into something I dreaded. I was running away from growing up.

It must have been a foolish idea to run away from home. What would I do? Where would I go? What would I eat? I decided to find out where Emily was staying. I knew that she lived on a farm with her uncle. I figured that this would be the best place to go. She was my secret sister and I knew that she would protect me.

After hours of walking, I finally found the farm. It was now evening and I could hardly walk. I was hungry and exhausted. I collapsed outside the farm. I could not walk another inch and my legs would not support me. What a sight I must have been, I was laying in the mud unable to speak or move.

Emily's uncle found me and carried me to the small farm cottage. They put me in front of the fireplace where I could warm up. Everyone was looking at me until Emily came. She was shocked that it was me. Everyone else was shocked when Emily told them who I was. They were all surprised about why I was there. I was too weak to talk. Emily's uncle said that I was hungry and I need to drink.

When I was feeling better, Emily sat next to me. I told her that I ran away. I explained that the plans mom and dad had for me were making me miserable. I did not want to be a boring socialite and wife, and a mother that will hide her children in a nursery. I had a dream of doing something for the world. I wanted to change the world. I could never do this by going to a finishing school where I would learn how to be a trophy wife.

Emily's aunt heard me explain why I ran away. She spoke to me as if I was the queen and called me a lady. She told me that my story proves that money could not buy happiness. I could stay at their cottage while I got my thoughts together. She did warn me that my parents would be looking for me. She was sure that my parents loved me and would be worried about where I was.

Emily lived with her uncle. He was married and had 7 children. The cottage was small with one room where the parents slept. The children slept where ever there was a place. There were a fireplace and a stove. Besides that, there was a huge table and a storage box. The floor was wooden at least. Despite the cottage being so poor and crowded, it was very clean and tidy. They obviously had pride in their small cottage. It also surprised me that they did not have a maid, so they had to clean the cottage, take care of the children and work on the farm.

The children were dressed in rags. Even the dress that I had on that was now muddy looked better. They were very happy and helped with the chores in the cottage and the farm. I liked that they were given hugs, and their parents listened to them when they spoke. It was very obvious that the children respected their parents and the parents respected their children. This was hard to see with the relationship I had with my parents.

In the beginning, everyone was so quiet around me. Children would stare at me as if I was some sort of alien. They did not smile or talk. They just looked at me. This made me feel a bit uneasy. At first, I thought it was because I was not used to being with children, I was only ever with adults. However, Emily told me that it was because they looked at me like a princess. They thought I was like the queen and they did not know what was allowed to say or not.

One of the small girls fell and her mom was out getting some water. So I went over to the girl. Everyone went quiet as I did this. Even the small girl stopped crying. I wiped the tears from her face and told her that her mother would be back soon. Then I told her that she had pretty hair. I asked if she wanted me to brush it. She smiled and quickly got me the brush. This one action showed everyone that I was not just a rich girl, I was as human as they were.

This changed things. They started considering me as part of the family. I was happy that I was never alone. I helped around the cottage. I cleaned and helped take care of the children. This was hard work! It may sound strange, but I was so happy. I did not feel alone. I was doing things that others were doing. The things I have done had a purpose. I was helping others!

Emily's aunt took some time off her chores and told me that we should talk. She did not know much about rich people, but she was sure that my parents cared about me and loved me. The problem was that they only knew traditions and what was expected of me. Society has created so many rules, often to keep the social classes separated. My parents wanted the best for me. I had to understand that they were doing what they thought was best.

I could understand all this and knew that my parents loved me. They were doing things that they knew and did not see any options. It was the way they were raised. It was a tradition. The problem was that I did not want it. Still, I decided to send my parents a letter to try and explain how I felt as well as to let them know that I was safe and I was happy where I was. This was a hard letter to write, I felt guilty and selfish that I was rebelling against my parents and everything they stood for.

Life at the cottage was very different. There was always so much to do. I loved helping take care of the little ones. I would take them on the farm and we would take care of the animals. It was fun collecting eggs or when we sat with the small kittens and just cuddled them. Emily was always smiling and she had the ability to make a chore into a game. I did not consider farm work or taking care of the small children a chore. I was so happy that I was always with someone, and did not feel alone.

I no longer looked like a princess from a fairytale. Emily gave me one of her old petticoats as she thought it will be a sin if I got my best dress dirty. If anyone visited us, I would look like one of the countless daughters that lived in the cottage.

Emily's aunt was also like a mother to me. She would give me hugs and ask me how I was, She would listen to the reasons why I ran away. I told her about Billy and the fact that he wanted to marry me.

“ You are only 13”, she said, “ While in olden days, girls got married at this age, I still consider you between a child and a woman. There is time to get married and there is time to be a good wife. Now you should just enjoy life and learn as much as you can, so you will be better as a wife when the time comes.”

She also told me that while she has nothing against black people, she thought that it would be a hard marriage. People would not accept that I could love someone with a different color. Besides I would have to get used to his customs, I would also have to get used to people that thought blacks were inferior and some even knew they were not human. The good thing is that I could be proud that I was not a racist and seen everyone as a child of God, no matter what color they had. 

Emily's aunt had a way of saying things. She had a simple view of things that made it so easy for me to understand.

In the evening, everyone relaxed in the cottage. Emily's uncle would find his violin and he would play song after song. We would sing along and clap and even at times dance. The atmosphere was festive. We may have been tired after the days work, but we would have new energy to have fun. It was not just the music I liked, It was because everyone in the family was together and having fun together. I wished my mom and dad could see how a family could do things like this together.

A week nearly gone, and I knew that I was supposed to be at a finishing school in a few days. I must admit that this was something I thought that was in my past and that I escaped this plan. I now considered myself adopted in a peasant farming family. I was no longer the richest girl in the country. I got up every day and put on a raggy petticoat dress and helped take care of the children and animals. Despite being with a poor family, I was so happy!

One day, I was taking care of the cows. Emily taught me how to milk them. I was singing a song that we sang the night before. I was in a great mood. Then my world fell apart where I heard my mother...

“ What are you doing?” she shouted.

She pulled me away from the cow and just stood there as she looked at me. There was no emotion in her face as she asked did the family force me to wear these clothes and to do this sort of work on the farm. She wanted me to say that I was kidnapped.

I told her that I was not kidnapped. This family has done nothing except take care of me and love me. They accepted me as an extra mouth to feed. I was so happy here. Mom did not listen. She ordered me to get in the carriage. I sat in the carriage as I saw Dad trying to pay Emily's dad some money for his troubles. Emily was in tears.

We went home, and I was ordered to take a bath to get rid of the farm smell on me. When I was finished, Dad came into my room.

“ The governess has left, so you will be in this room by yourself,” he announced. “ Your mother is distressed and crying all the time. You have hurt her so much. How could you be so selfish? You think you can change the way society works. You think your selfish and emotional wishes are better than generations of traditions. You will be going to finishing school in a few days. Until then you are confined to your bedroom.”

Dad left and I was once again like a prisoner in my room. I kept on remembering when Emily's aunt told me that my parents loved me. My parents did not show any happiness that I was once again home. They did not say that they missed me. In the few days that I was grounded in my room, they did not even visit me. I was reminded of my fate every time I saw the suitcases packed and ready for finishing school.

The day before I was expected to go to finishing school a letter came under the door.

_“ Dear Lourdes,_

_Welcome back home. I was so devasted and hurt when you run away. It was as if I should have supported you more!_

_Your parents may not show it, but they love you. They tried to provide you with everything that they thought you would need. Sending you to finishing school is not a punishment. They want to prepare you for the future._

_You may not like your parents planned. The problem is that your parents are part of a world where there are lots of rules, norms, and traditions. They know of nothing else except this world._

_You are a girl with emotions and spirit. You are not afraid to show them. Never lose this ability. My wishes are that as the next generation of the aristocracy, you can find a balance of being in a world with so many expectations and yet the ability to follow your dreams._

_Be brave, Be yourself_

_Granny”_

**To be continued**


	6. Polished as a lady

A few days later, I was sitting in a carriage after traveling for ages. The finishing school was an old mansion in the middle of a huge estate. I was surprised the first time that seen the huge building. It looked like a house that evil spirits lived in. It was an old stone building with big windows and creepy towers. The trees were ugly and looked so old and tired. There were no flowers or anything pretty about the place.

It looked evil and it looked like a prison. This was the place where I would be staying at for the next year or so. I had no words for the place. I did not want to go to a finishing school. But never in my dreams did I think that the building would look like something that came from a nightmare.

I do not think that my mother or father liked it as well. They wasted no time in saying goodbye to me and leaving me in this strange place. I was shown to my own room. It was sparse and nearly looked like something that would be in a nuns convent. It had a bed, a table, and a wardrobe. I was a bit disappointed. Before I came here, I tried consoling myself that I would have a roommate and she could potentially be my new best friend.

So my first impression of finishing school was worse than I expected. Yet here I was and I could not change the fact that I was here. I let it be known that I did not want to come and even tried running away. This was a fight that I lost. I knew it would be easiest just to accept my fate in being here and making the best out of it!

The headmistress called all the new girls into a classroom as she wanted to welcome us,

“ Welcome to this finishing school” she announced, “ We have been serving the families of the upper class for generations. We have trained their daughters on etiquette, manners, the social norms and rituals as well as the social morality that is needed to lead such a privileged and special life.

Now it is your turn. You have been sent here to learn how to be ladies and good wives. You will leave your childhood behind you and take the responsibility that is expected of you. It is time for you all to grow up and take the role of a lady as society expects. The foundation for your role in society starts here. Take this responsibility seriously. You are indeed all very lucky to be here. You have been blessed to have the opportunity to live as a prominent lady. With this blessing comes responsibility and hard work!”

The tone was now set for my time at the finishing school. The other girls were my age, but I found out quickly that I was different than them. I suppose this is Emily's influence. She showed me how to smile and laugh and have fun. She showed me that the simple things in life were as costly as the most expensive things you could buy in a shop. She also showed me that imagination was a gift that opened a whole new world.

These girls were mini versions of their mothers. They talked a lot about the clothes they were wearing and what was the best way to have their hair. They had no emotion when they spoke. It was as if they were saying what was expected of them and not how they felt. This was hard, as I could not see any of them having any humor or feelings. I could not see if they were really happy or sad.

Another thing was that I did not know if they wanted to be friends. I could not see if they liked me or not. They spoke with me and we walked together around the place. However, it was not like the friendship that I had with Emily.

I concluded that these girls had no dreams or imagination. They had no emotions or feelings. If they did, then they suppressed them and did not dare show their human side. If I was to be mean, I would say that they were all stuck up snobs. Yes, I know this is not a nice thing to say, but it was true.

The lessons were strange and I tried to see the purpose of them. We were taught how to walk with books on our heads. We were taught how to eat and even the proper way of drinking afternoon tea. We were taught how to converse and dance.

Afternoon tea was a good example. Always pour the milk in the tea before the sugar and nd the tea stirred by moving the teaspoon back and forth in an up-and-down motion. Sit up straight and spread out the napkin on your lap. Hold the cup by the handle and bring it up to your mouth -- avoid leaning forward to drink. Then take small sips and avoid slurping. The strange thing was that while there was some girl someplace studying how to be a teacher or a nurse, I was taking lessons on how to drink tea.

I did try to do my best and excel in the lessons we had. I will admit that my favorite was dancing. Although the dances were very structured and we had to learn a lot of steps, it was a time when I could let my imagination work. I would imagine that I was at Emily's aunt and uncle's farm, and we were listening to her uncle playing the fiddle at night time.

A few weeks after I was at finishing school, I got a shock. All the girls were standing outside the window and laughing. When I looked to see what the fuss was about, I could see that it was Billy that was standing below. Luckily no one could hear what he was saying.

The girls were teasing and were quite mean about it. They wondered why a black boy that was dressed in rags was standing outside the school. They were even implying that Billy had no sense or intelligence to know that he should not be there. It was improper. It was simply not acceptable.

I was surprised that the girls started to have a debate on the difference between blacks and whites. I would say that it was a very racial debate but it was better to describe it as an ignorant debate. The girls had no idea about black people. They most likely never spoke with one before. When I tried telling them that as ladies of society, we had to have compassion for everyone, no matter how poor they were or the color of their skin.

I was not brave enough to tell the girls that I knew Billy and that he wanted to get married to me. This made me feel bad. How could I ever get married to a boy that I did not want to even acknowledge? It made me think that if Emily worked here as a maid, would I tell the others that she was my best friend or would I treat her as a maid?

A few days after this, the headmistress called me into the office. She was worried about me as she said that she had no problem with my participation in the school's lessons. However, she said she could see some defiance in me. She noticed that I was an emotional girl. She implied that I thought that I was better than the other girls. To make things worse, she said that she noticed that I would daydream and be in my own imaginary world in my head.

I was reminded of her welcome speech and told to accept my destiny and to act more responsible and mature.

Shortly after the visit to the headmistress office, a new young teacher called Miss Joyce asked if I was ok. She told me that she was worried about me. I was very pale and lost what color in my cheeks since I came here. She was worried that I was sick or I was unhappy.

I did not want to tell Miss Joyce what my feelings were. I was told by the headmistress and my parents that I pay too much attention to how I felt and my emotions. I did not know if I was unhappy or not. I knew that I wanted to do what was expected of me, and be at this finishing school for as little time as possible. I wanted everyone to think that I have grown up and was no longer rebelling. I thought I would be happy if everyone could see that I was accepting my position in life.

The worse time was at night. I could not control what I would dream. I would dream that I was a teacher and had a classroom of smiling children. I would love my job as I could see how happy they all were that they wanted to learn more and more. It was not like the lessons we had at finishing school, these were things that mattered. They explained about the world and how it worked. It was an education that could inspire one of them to change the world and make it a better place.

I would wake up and reality would hit me once again. I did not want to disappoint my parents or headmistress. I wanted them to know that I was really trying my best to do what was required at me at the finishing school. In fact, I excelled in most things that we were told to do. If one did not really know me, they would think that being ladylike came easy to me.

Still, I was not happy. I knew my main fault was that I did the lessons with a half heart. I could not see a purpose with them. It was as if I was here doing a sentence and trying my best to be so good, that they would let me pass and leave. The teachers knew that I did not do the lessons with smiles. They constantly told me to be responsible and not so selfish, but to like what I was doing.

I thought that they were being unfair to me. I did not complain or had a temper since I came here. I promised that I would try my best at the finishing house and do the lessons to the best of my ability. This did not stop me from being called into the headmistress office where she would say that I was like a zombie doing the lessons. She wanted me to be happy about the position I had in society and proud of it.

Once I tried telling the headmistress that I knew I was blessed in life. I told her that my dream was to help children that had a hard start to life. I wanted to be a teacher. The headmistress told me that as a lady, I can raise money for charity and in that way help people in need. She said this on a wrong day. I was not feeling well. My body was aching and I felt so cold. I told her that I did not understand things. Why could I not be a lady and at the same time being a teacher?

The headmistress told me to leave the office. She did not want to hear anything that was so ridiculous. She told me that I was showing my true colors by raising my voice at her.

I left the office and went to my room and rested in bed. My health got worse. I was freezing and sweating and coughing a lot. I was in bed for a few days, and things were getting worse. My body became weaker and weaker and so did my mind. I honestly thought that I was ion my death bed.

The nice teacher called Miss Joyce came and visited me every day. She was more worried every time she saw me. She told me that she knew that I was not happy and this was probably the reason why I was so sick

After 5 days, she told me that my parents were on their way. I was so sick that she felt like they should be by my side.

I knew that my parents would be disappointed with me again.

To be continued


	7. La La Land

My health declined over the following days. I could not get out of my bed. I could not speak or move that much. I could not drink or eat. My bones would be aching and I would sweat even though I was so cold. Miss Joyce was at my bedside all the time. She would try her best to get me to drink a small bit. I heard her once tell the headmistress that I should get a doctor. The headmistress told her that this sickness was just me getting emotional again,

I could not believe it when the headmistress said this. Did she really think that I was faking this sickness to get out of lessons at the finishing school? Miss Joyce did not believe it either. She knew that I was unhappy at the school, and this could have caused my body to accept a sickness faster. However, she could see that I was not faking it.

Mom and dad came and they just stood beside my bed and looked at me. Dad wanted me to admit that this was not a scheme to get out of finishing school. I did not even respond to that. Miss Joyce tried to explain that I was good at my studies and lessons. This was despite that I did not want to be at a finishing school. She told my parents that I had dreams about what I wanted to do with my life. This unhappiness could have weakened my immune defense.

Mom sighed and said a doctor would visit me. However, I had to learn not to let the impossible and emotional dreams take over and make me sick. She told me that I was not going home. I was to stay at finishing school and complete its course.

I felt worse after my parents came. Did I expect some compassion and a hug? I did not expect them to think that this sickness was a plan of mine to escape school. In a way, I wished they could feel how I was feeling and know that no one could feel like I did and think it was not genuine.

The doctor came and examined me. He told everyone that it was just the flu and warned us that this was the time of year where many people had it. He gave Dad a tonic that would help me through the sickness. He warned that the tonic was very strong and could make me spaced out as if my head was empty.

Dad asked the doctor if he could not leave a few bottles of the tonic. The doctor did not think that was necessary and warned Dad that it was something a person could get addicted to. Dad insisted on the doctor leaving some, and hinted that the doctor was getting paid more than his normal fee.

My parents left once more and over the next few days, I was feeling better. This was a great relief as who liked being sick. Miss Joyce became a good friend as she was constantly beside my bed and helping me get through the sickness.

When I felt well enough to start my lessons again, the headmistress called me into her office. She told me that I needed some tonic. I questioned this and said that I felt well and no longer needed it. The headmistress did not smile and said that it was under the instructions of my father.

I was given this tonic over the next few weeks. I did not notice the changes that it has done to me. I was not sick, but I did feel different. It was like my head was blank and I did not think about things. I just attended classes and done things like I was in a trance. I did not notice that this medicine made me more like a zombie that was just living. I did not even notice that I felt no emotions. I was not happy or sad. This is strange when I look back at it. The medicine changed me so slowly that I did not see how it was affecting me.

I even started to beg for medicine. I would go to the headmistress and ask her if it was not time to get some tonic. If she told me I had to wait, I would tell her that my body really needed it. It was as if my body was twisting and I would feel anxiety if I did not get some medicine. This was, of course, a sign that I was addicted to it, as the doctor warned. I did not care if I was addicted or not.

In a way, being so blank in my mind and not feeling emotions were not that bad. I no longer dreamed or had ambitions. I became very submissive and just done what I was told. This meant that I accepted being at the finishing school and accepted that after finishing school, I would be married to some gentleman.

The headmistress was also happy with my performance. She told me that I no longer had the wild spirit and defiance that I had. She was proud of me.

My mother shocked me one day when she visited me. She was giving the good news from the headmistress and told Mom how well my attitude changed.

“ Do you feel OK? “ She asked me when we were alone.

“ Yes, mother.”

“ I am not so sure. You seem different, almost like a stranger.”

“ I can assure you that I feel fine.”

“ Since you were sick, I started thinking, “ Mom explained, “I know you have dreams and I often did not take them seriously. I fear that I was narrow-minded and only thought of what society's traditions expected us to do. You have a dream and you should have the chance to follow your dreams.”

“ Dreams?... Oh yes. I no longer think about them! I am content on being here at the finishing school.”

My mother was in tears and asked herself what happened to me. She kept on saying that I was a shell of my former self. She understood my dreams but also understood my father's ambitions for me. She apologized for her stubbornness and said that she was more worried about how others would judge me than my happiness. She even said she spoke with my dad that I should go and get teacher training after finishing school. Dad would not allow this, saying I should find a good husband.

I should have been shocked and should have been confused. Here was my mother telling me that she now cared about my dreams. This is despite that my father still had a plan for me. The thing was that mom never showed compassion or motherly love to me. She never gave me hugs. She always complained about my spirit. Maybe she was the same as a girl but suppressed all her feelings and dreams.

The thing was that my mind was so blank and I could not even think. I was in “La La land” where I was a living person but had no thoughts or feelings. I gave mom a hug and told her that I was happy. Which was true. My fogged mind made it that I was not sad and I did not think about what I wanted to do. I was content in just drifting through life.

Mom gave me a letter before she went. It was from Emily. She wrote that she is now a maid at Grannies house. I looked at the letter and tried to remember Emily and what we have done together. I remembered that she was my friend but did not remember what we did together as friends. I put the letter on my desk and thought that it was nice that Emily was at my grannies. My mind may have been sawdust, but I remembered that Granny was the nicest person I knew.

When mom left, I continued with the classes and lessons at school. I did not really think of what was happening. I just went along with the flow. The only time iI got into trouble was when I was in a giddy mood. This was especially after getting the tonic. I do not know why it made me so giddy. It just made lots of things seem so funny.

Miss Joyce could see I was acting different and she was so worried about me. She told me it was like I lost my soul and was now a walking corpse. This made me smile and try to assure her that I was fine. I told her I was no longer sick and was not unhappy. I was content with life and hoped that my parents would be proud of my progress.

The other girls shunned me at school. They said I was too strange and they felt uncomfortable around me. One girl said that it was like I lived in my own world all the time, and did not notice anything that happened around me. She said I was like a zombie. This meant that I was often alone and had no one to be with. This did not make me sad. As I said, I just went along with the flow.

The only time I felt anything is when my body was demanding some medicine. I would start shaking and sweating and make my way to the headmistress office. I would beg her for some tonic. She would smile and give me the days portion and tell me to keep up the good work. It would take half an hour and I would be back in my own world, where my mind would be shut down.

Miss Joyce saw me come out of the office one day. She told me she had been keeping an eye on me and she did something forbidden. The door to the office was not totally closed, so she peeked in and could see that I was begging for some tonic.

“You are addicted to the stuff,” she said, “ You no longer need it as you are not sick. This tonic is like a drug that is making you a shell of who you really are. It must be stopped!”

“ Please do not do anything. I need my tonic!” I begged.

I did not see Miss Joyce for some time after that.

My time at finishing school came when Granny and Emily came one day. Granny told me that she knew about the tonic and knew it was my dad that asked the headmistress to keep me drugged up. Miss Joyce wrote a letter to granny and told her how addicted I was. Granny visited my father and told him that I would now be living with her. He did not argue against grandmother. If it was made public on how he drugged his daughter, it would be a scandal he could not survive.

So I packed my bags and left the left to live with Granny.

* * *

_**Six months later:** _

I moved in with granny. It was very hard at the beginning. My body was now used to the tonic and had to be cleansed. I would beg and demand to get it. I said some mean things because Granny refused to give it to me. The first month was like hell. My body was begging for the tonic and I would sweat and get cramps when I could not get it. My moods would swing. One minute I would be crying for myself and the next minute, I would lose my temper.

Granny and Emily had patience with me. Emily would tell me if I was in the middle of a tantrum that it was just the tonic talking and not me. After some time I no longer needed or wanted the tonic. I was once again myself. Granny told me that the real work for me now came. What my father did was wrong. The question was if I could ever forgive him for making me an addict.

Billy no longer wanted to get married. He decided that the world was not ready for an interracial romance. He studied to be a priest and spent his life as a priest among the slums with poor people. Billy was my first love and we would always stay in contact. He was one of the most compassionate and wisest people that I ever met. I ended up financing many of his charities to help the poor people. Billy was a living saint!

Miss Joyce was fired from finishing school because she told Granny about me. This was probably the best thing she ever has done. She wrote a book about her experiences at the finishing school without using my name. It became a best seller and caused a huge scandal. The school lost all its prestige and the headmistress was fired. Miss Joyce ended up as a successful author.

My mother tried to get my dad to let me follow my dreams. She just had no backbone to insist that I be allowed as she obeyed everything that Dad said. She never believed that he drugged me on purpose with the tonic. Despite all this, I forgave mom and had a good relationship with her. I could not blame her for being afraid of my dad. In fact, I felt sorry that she did not have the courage to stand up to him. The reality was that many women were in the same boat.

Emily was a maid at my grannies, although Granny treated her more like a daughter than a maid. We were best of friends and this lasted all our life. Emily inherited some of Granny's fortune, which meant she was well of and a respected lady. Emily ended up getting married to a scientist and having 7 children. Her children did not have a governess!

As for Granny, she was both strict and nice. She let me study to be a teacher, and at the same time, she wanted me to remember my position in society. Granny supported me all the way and was ready to give advice and encouragement.

I never forgave my father, and he never did ask for it. This means that I never spoke to him again. This was until he was in his death bed. I tried to visit him and to make amends. This did not go well. He just mumbled about how disappointed he was with me. I left his room with tears in my eyes. I did wish that things were different.

As for me, I studied to be a teacher and worked in a small country school. I lived in a small cottage. No one knew how rich I was. They knew that I had a rich friend when Emily visited me. I ended up getting married to a local landlord. He was well off but was shocked at how rich I was. I continued teaching until we had children. I was blessed with a boy and twin girls.

Life is full of blessings.


End file.
